They say no news is goods news...but is it really?

It's nearing the end of the day, and I still haven't heard anything from Dr. K.  When I left her office on Thursday, it sounded like today was going to be the latest I would get the results of my CA-125 and the endometrial biopsy.

Normally, I wouldn't be hugely concerned. However, this weekend a civil war broke out in my uterus.  I'm not really sure what's going on, but there has been a great deal of pain starting mid-day Saturday and lasting through the weekend and into today.  The bestie and I named my right ovary Steven Rogers (in honor of the Captain Fascist twist in Captain America), because it's the possibly cancerous one, and we've named the left one Tony Stark (because it's not currently a traitor and trying to kill me).

***THIS IS WHERE THINGS GET GRAPHIC, AND I TALK ABOUT BODILY FUNCTIONS***

It's not just painful.  It's been rather debilitating and no over-the-counter pain reliever/anti-inflammatory has helped.  I've been so bloated that I look pregnant.  I'm pretty sure Captain Fascist burst which would mean no cancer.  And I think that Tony may have also burst or is trying to burst.  Whatever it is, I'm throwing blood clots like crazy, which is something I've done only rarely and never like this.

It's alarming.  I'm alarmed.

I also haven't really been able to comfortably eat solid food since Friday.  I thought maybe I was constipated, because I'm taking double the recommended daily dose of iron (doctor's orders) to help combat the anemia.  But that theory doesn't really fly, because I've been having regular poops.

So, I bought a non-stimulant laxative to see if that would help.  The only thing it's done is increased the frequency of my poops.

I still have the same pain, my belly is still extremely distended, and it's still very uncomfortable when I try to eat solid foods.  I had a damn green tea frappuccino for lunch just so I could get some calories in me today.  That, at least, hasn't bothered me.

***TMI GRAPHIC TALK ENDS HERE***

I'm wondering if everything is just so swollen and inflamed, because my poor broken baby maker has been abused and invaded by medical equipment on numerous occasiona for the last month.  It could be that's inflamed enough that it's compressing my digestive system enough to make eating uncomfortable.  I don't know,  ut I need it to calm down.

What I do know is that I haven't had a cycle like this in a very, very long time.  I don't like it.  It's scary, and it makes me worried that something is really wrong in there.  And it sucks not to have any answers.  I'm frustrated and scared, and I really just want this all to be over with.

I've called Dr. K just to touch base and get her thoughts on what's been going on since I last saw her.  I haven't heard from her yet, but she is a busy, busy lady.  I will post against when I have results/have some idea of what the hell is going on in there.

Navigating perimenopause...

I've been casually researching perimenopause, and the more I read, the angrier I am that no one thought to check for this sooner.  I've given Dr. K a lot of credit, but I walked into her office already knowing that I wanted hormone panels.  Who knows if she would have made these decisions on her own.  Maybe she would have,  but I didn't give her the opportunity to brush me off.  She seems genuinely concerned and willing to help me figure this out.  I just wonder how long it would have taken.  Perhaps not long since I'm no longer in my 20s.

And the more I think about that fact, the angrier I get.  No one takes women's health seriously, especially if the concerns are coming from a younger woman--not even the people who are paid to help women manage their reproductive health.  It's infuriating.  You walk in with weird, scary periods, and the answer is just "Oh, well, try this birth control.  This one will definitely be the one that solves your problems."  Uuuuhhhh...How 'bout we just figure out what is causing this, yeah?  I'm bleeding for 17 days in a row, not bleeding for 14, and then doing it all over again.  It's scary.  I don't want a hormonal bandaid.  I want answers so I can form a long-term plan.

Doctors, if a woman walks in to your office with fears regarding her reproductive health, please listen to her.  Don't just offer her a magic pill and brush her aside.  Nurses, when a woman calls for her OBGYN and has been bleeding for a prolonged period of time, don't run interference.  Please grant her access to speak with her doctor.  You may never have experienced this, but for someone who has, it is terrifying.  Just a conversation with her lady doctor can help allay any fears she may have about what is going on.

Alas, I digress.  The original point of this post was to discuss some of the things I've discovered in my research.

The first thing I've discovered is that there is very little information on perimenopause on the interwebz.

Dr. Oz contributor, Marcy Holmes, describes "premenopausal rage", which I am definitely experiencing.  I have mood swings that sometimes frighten me.  I find myself reacting to a situation in a completely irrational manner, but in the back of my mind, I'm saying, "Libs, this is crazy.  You're being crazy," but I'll be damned if I can stop it.  It's like I'm not even in control.

To help combat this, several sources (and Dr. K) suggest eliminating alcohol, caffeine, and sugar from your diet.  I'm already working on phasing out processed sugar, but since I run a gaming channel that reviews various alcohols while playing video games, I may have to pick and choose my battles...

Another suggestion for improving your mood was to take a B vitamin complex and taking a vitamin D supplement.  Woo.  Just what I want.  More pills.

I've also seen an article (that I cannot seem to locate now) that says I need to increase my protein intake by consuming more legumes instead of red meat.  I honestly may have dreamed it.  It's a weird time.  It  doesmakes sense, though.  Legumes are an excellent source of B vitamins.

Oh.  And exercise.  Let's not forget that.  That's everyone's answer to depression and hormone imbalance.  Don't get me wrong.  I love fitness.  I am a certified health professional.  However, as things are, I don't even have the energy for 5 minutes on the Cybex machine.  I'm just worn out.  I'm hoping that the iron supplements I've been directed to take will start working their magic and I will be able to get back to the gym.

In the meantime, I will continue to research ways to manage the symptoms.  November is a long way off...

Conquering Perimenopause
4 Ways To Manage Perimenopause Through Diet
Perimenopause (Web MD) 
Perimenopause (Mayo Clinic) 
Is it Perimenopause?

Not out of the woods, yet...

In the grand old fashion of counting my chickens before they've hatched, I assumed that if I were suffering from anything too serious, I would probably be dead already.  Unfortunately, I may have been wrong.

I had another appointment with Dr. K for my Well Woman visit.  While I was there, we discussed the results of my ultrasound.  She said my uterus, for the most part looked normal, with the exception of a thickened lining.  Knowing this, she decided to go ahead and get an endometrial biopsy.

While the uterus looked okay (just okay, not great), my ovaries were a different story.  On the left, I have a 3cm cyst that is completely normal.  On the right, I have 3.4cm abnormal growth.  It could be a benign hemorrhagic cyst, meaning it's full of blood.  Or, it could be malignant.  Dr. K has ordered a CA-125 to check for ovarian cancer, and I should have the results Tuesday.

Dr. K thinks it's just a hemorrhagic cyst, but with my family history of ovarian cancer, we have to be sure.  Since a cloae family member had ovarian cancer, she says there is a very real possibility that it could be malignant, and I need to be prepared for the possibility that the ovary will need to be removed.  

She also believes I am in premature ovarian failure, and that I have been for quite sometime. This means I'm not producing enough estrogen.  She wants to understand why my hormones are so low and why I am barely producing any testosterone or luteinizing hormon, which is why she has referred me to an endocrinologist. Unfortunately, there are no endocrinologists in this godforsaken state that are taking patients before November 1st, so we won't be able to figure that out anytime in the near future.

But hey!  In six weeks, I get to have another trans-vaginal ultrasound.  You know...because that last one wasn't traumatizing enough.  I'm really getting tired of people poking around in my lady parts.  I just want this to be over with.  Everything hurts.  It feels like someone has taking a lemon zester to my insides.  I'm tired and sore, and if we're being honest, I just wish my lady parts would fall off, and I could be just blank.  Like a Barbie doll.  When Dr. K offers the option to charbroil my uterus.  I am going to say, "Fire cannot harm a dragon," and sign the paperwork in the blood of my enemies.

I'll post again when I get the results of the biopsy and the CA-125.

Juicing

I've had a juicer for years and have never used it.  Since I'm going clean, I decided I should make use of it.  Let me be clear:  I am not doing a juice cleanse.  I feel those are dangerous and irresponsible. However, I'm not good at eating breakfast, so I thought I would start juicing for breakfast.  That way, I get extra vitamins and minerals that I normally wouldn't get, because I've been stuffing my face full of mostly crap for the last couple of years.

This morning, I got out my (horribly dusty) juicer and went to town tossing in a granny smith apple, a handful of carrots, a golden beet (the whole thing, greens and all), and half of a lemon without the peel.

The result was an earthy (beets taste like dirt, yo), tart concoction that was not entirely unpleasant.  If you're going to use beets, you might want to add a few other fruits or veg to help cut that earthy (dirt, it's dirt) flavor.  I followed up my juice with a boiled egg (because protein!), and I haven't been hellaciously hangry all morning.

I'm going to do my level best to stick this out for at least 28 days and see what happens to my energy levels.  As it is, it really can't get much worse.  And hey!  I've already had 3 servings of my 4-5 servings of fruits and veg and it's not even noon!  Go me!

Libster's Orange Monster

1 granny smith apple (cut off the stem, yo.  And take out those seeds!)
3 ounces of baby carrots
1 golden beet (the whole thing.  Seriously.  All of it.)
1/2 peeled lemon

Going clean

In my last post, I talked about being in perimenopause and how run down I'm feeling.  In an effort to restore my energy levels and re-balance my hormones, Dr. K wanted me to go to a clean diet.  She wants me to cut out processed foods.  So, I am going to give it a valiant effort.

I've still got two loaves of bread in the fridge, but I have a bestie/roommate person who is helping get rid of them.  Once they're gone, brown rice will be my grain of choice.

I'm a pasta lover, and I thought giving up pasta would be the hardest thing  I've ever done...until I discovered spaghetti squash.  Spaghetti squash is the best pasta replacement.  Fuck zoodles (zucchini noodles).  Seriously fuck 'em.  They're disgusting.  One of my favorite clean dishes is spaghetti squash spaghetti with meat sauce.  Try it. You won't be sorry.

I'm using Clean Eating for recipes.  This Buzzfeed article also has some delicious recipes.

It's actually been easier than I expected it would be.  I've stocked up on dried fruit and nuts for snacks, and fresh veggies and hummus for lunch.  I've found a few restaurants that also have menus I can work with when I'm running low on time.  All in all, it hasn't been awful.  It's just going to be a matter of sticking with it and staying away from the processed stuff.

Cutting out soda has been the real struggle.  I'm getting around that by drinking an awful lot of tea.  My favorites are Lavender Dreams and White Earl Grey from Teavana.  Seriously.  Lavender Dreams is the best tea you will ever put in your face.

I'm also drinking a lot of infused water.  My favorite is strawberry-lemon-basil.  Or just lemon-basil.  These two are great go-to infusions, because they're refreshing, and they help alkalize your digestive system.

Strawberry-Lemon-Basil Infused Water

3 - 5 strawberries
2 slices lemon
1 basil leaf

You can use filtered water (I use a Brita pitcher, because Oklahoma water is awful) or fizzy water (the fizziness helps me stave off soda cravings).

You'll probably also want an infusion bottle.  I use the Define Bottle, but you can find cheaper bottles on Amazon.

Rainy days, depression, and working through it all...

I'm finding that since I've opened up about perimenopause and infertility that a lot of my lady friends have gone through or are currently going through the same thing.  It's nice to know I'm not alone and that I have people who can relate and offer advice and support while I'm figuring things out.

However, I am also finding that some people are dismissive of a problem that is really affecting my state of mind.  Yeah, after five years of being single at 34 years-old, I was becoming resigned to the fact that I was probably not going to have kids of my own.  That doesn't mean it's any less disappointing to learn that having babies is most likely impossible for me.  Because I always thought I might find someone I would feel was worth having babies with--my own babies.  So, please don't tell me that "it's not that big of a deal" because I wasn't planning on having kids anyway.  Please don't tell me that "there's always adoption".  I know these things, but it doesn't change the fact that I'm dealing with a very heavy reality that comes with a certain amount of disappointment and depression.  You don't get to tell me what is a "big deal" and what is not.

I just went through a pretty awful experience that triggered some serious PTSD, and I'm still trying to work through the emotional fallout from that.  For the love of cheese (that I can no longer eat) please don't tell me my situation is "not a big deal".  Because it's so much more than the perimenopause and infertility.  It's having thoughts and feelings that I can't control.  I'm feeling all kinds of things that are irrational, and that's okay.  I'm allowed to feel them.

With everything that's going on, finding the energy to care has been...challenging.  I'm emotionally and physically exhausted, and I just want to sleep all the time.  Seriously.  I'm sitting here typing this, and I would rather be in bed.

It doesn't help that it's been rainy for the entire week, so I feel like I'm walking around under my own personal rain cloud.

So, to combat the rainy day blues, I have my Happy Lamp on, and I juiced some of my favorite fruits to give me a pick-me-up:

Libster's Strawberry Watermelon Pick-Me-Up

1/4 seedless watermelon
10 strawberries
1 cucumber
1 lime (peeled)

Well...that was certainly a thing that happened...

Yesterday, I had my third ever trans-vaginal ultrasound.  I would like to say that since I'm a TVU veteran, that the procedure wasn't traumatizing in the slightest, and I handled it like a pro.  That, however, would be a gigantic lie of the fiery pants variety.

I was nervous, because I hate trans-vag ultrasounds.  They shove this in you and twist, turn, and dig around in your vagina taking pictures of things that, by all rights, should not see the light of day.  So, I asked my mom to go with me, because I didn't want to be alone.

This particular ultrasound was awful.  The tech was bad.  She didn't really bother to prep me before she jammed the wand in.  It was startling, and it hurt.  Never mind that it's already an unnerving experience to be in stirrups, open, exposed, and vulnerable.  The whole thing felt humiliating and made me nauseous.  I felt like a zoo exhibit.  She didn't try to talk to me to keep my mind off it, which was very disconcerting. The other two techs who worked with me made sure to talk to me about what they were seeing, asked how I was feeling,  Instead, this one talked to my mom, all the while marking little arrows on the ultrasound. WHICH IS TERRIFYING, BY THE WAY, BECAUSE I HAVE NO CLUE WHAT KIND OF NOTES SHE WAS MAKING.

To add to it, there's my mom, trying her best to be supportive...but she's bad at it.  She's not good at understanding that things like pain and emotional distress are relative things.  If she's not currently experiencing it, she doesn't understand why you should be.  Don't get me wrong, I appreciated her being there to hold my hand, but a little more empathy would have been nice.  I don't mean to say that she was a cold, unfeeling harpy the entire time.  Far from it.  Her concern was obvious, she just didn't know how to comfort me as I was sobbing during and after the ordeal.

The emotional fallout was something I didn't expect and was in no way prepared for.  I felt humiliated and violated while this woman dug around in my insides without even acknowledging me.  It was as though I was invisible to her.  I didn't expect her to coddle me, but some sort of acknowledgment would have been helpful.  She was nice enough, so I don't think she was being purposefully dismissive.  Maybe she was new enough to the job that she hasn't developed a bedside manner yet, but it really messed with my head.  Lying there for 15 minutes while a stranger dug around in my vagina and made notes on a computer...It's not a gentle process, and afterward, I was left sore, stinging, and crampy.

I didn't really have time to process all those emotions yesterday, because I had to go right home and get to work on some last-minute edits, and I haven't really had a chance to process it today, because I woke up and went right back into the edits and then had to go to work.

So, here I am at my desk, randomly crying, and I feel like a basket case.  I'm still sore and nauseous, and I really just want to go to bed and eat a pint of Ben & Jerry's non-dairy Chunky Monkey, but here I am, adulting like a champ in the middle of a nervous breakdown.  Achievement Unlocked.

I'm too young for this shit...

I'm so bad at following through.  With anything.  I'm constantly starting new projects and get distracted halfway through and never return to complete them.  Some projects I return to every once in a while and pick up where I left off.  This blog is one of the latter.

I've blogged before about the problems I've had with my lady plumbing.  I've been to several doctors in the past who have just tried to put me on birth control hoping that corrects the problem.  It never does.  I was once on birth control and continued to bleed for nine weeks.  After week three (I was used to having two-week-long periods at this point), I began to get concerned.  So, I called my OBGYN's office.  Apparently, that wasn't alarming enough to get me in to see her in a reasonable amount of time, so I had to schedule my appointment TWO MONTHS OUT.

At five weeks, I called again to see if there were any cancellations.  Again, I was made to feel as if bleeding for five weeks from my reproductive organs was nothing to be alarmed about and no move was made to accommodate me or my fears.  I wasn't even allowed to speak with my doctor.  After bleeding for nine weeks, it finally stopped, and I called to cancel my appointment.  That was the last time I tried to get help for the problem.

Recently, however, things have been worse.  I've been tired, laggy, and my periods have become even more erratic than they were to begin with.  So, I decided to try again.  I have a friend with endometriosis, and she has an OBGYN she swears by.  Luckily, Dr. K was taking new patients.

My initial visit was basically a consult.  It was an opportunity for us to feel each other out and for her to get to know my history.  Dr. K was horrified when I told her what I'd been dealing with and stunned that no one had done any tests to even attempt to find out the cause.

I told her I wanted a full hormone panel, because I knew there was something wrong, and I wanted to figure out what it was so I could fix it.  Bleeding for two weeks, having a two week break, and bleeding again is not normal, and it's physically exhausting.

So, she scheduled me for every blood test under the sun.  Seriously.  They took just a little under a pint of blood.  And then, I waited.  I waited for two weeks until all the tests came back.  I knew there was nothing life-threatening.  I'd been dealing with this for nearly fifteen years.  I would be dead by now if something was horribly wrong with me.  However, the waiting game is never fun.

Dr. K called on Monday to go over my results.  She told me I'm anemic, which isn't a surprise since I bleed more often than I don't.  She also said all of my hormones were a little on the low side of normal, except my testosterone and luteinizing hormone.  Those two were practically non-existent.  I was surprised about the testosterone, to be honest.  If anything, I had expected it to be high.

I asked what it meant that they were so low, and she said it means that I have entered perimenopause.  I had been joking for a while about going through the Change of Life, but I was half serious.  I was kind of hoping for it, to be honest, because it's the easiest answer to the issues I'm having.  That does not, however, rule out any possible underlying causes.

She is going to do even more tests and take an endometrial biopsy, because she's still concerned I may have been dealing with endometriosis since the very beginning of my menstrual cycles.  I honestly don't think that's the case.  I've had two trans-vaginal ultrasounds (I loathe them with the fire of a thousand suns), and no one mentioned seeing anything that would indicate endometriosis.  Oh, and this afternoon, I get to have a third!  Because the universe hates me.

 The endometrial biopsy will tell her if I have healthy cells in my uterine lining.  If the cells are healthy, we will leave it be.  If not, she may recommend an endometrial ablation, which is where they go in and charbroil your uterine lining.  She said I would have to be 110% certain I never wanted kids because the procedure would drastically lower the chances of me being able to get pregnant.  She also said that it was highly unlikely I would be able to get pregnant anyway with my hormone levels being what they are.  

It's not terribly surprising.  I'm in perimenopause.  It's basically a gradual decline in your ability to reproduce, and I'm fairly certain this has been the case since my early to mid-20s.  That's when I started having weird, super painful periods that were two weeks long, made me dry heave, and gave me visual migraines.  I think it went un-diagnosed so long, because it's highly unusual for a woman in her early 20s to be perimenopausal.  Heck, it's unusual for someone younger than 35! 

So, for all intents and purposes, I am infertile.  Which isn't awful news.  It's not great, but it's not devastating.  Well...not for me.  My mom is pretty bummed about it, but I'm handling it well.  The first night was rough.  It's one thing to make the decision yourself.  It's another entirely to have that decision taken out of your hands.  

That's not to say it's impossible.  Time, however, is not on my side.  Even if I did find someone I wanted to have children with, a pregnancy attempt would involve expensive hormone therapies and procedures like in vitro fertilization.  I could maybe freeze some eggs and use a surrogate when the time came, but that's a costly decision I'm not prepared to make at this point.

Who knows?  Dr. K has referred me to an endocrinologist to address the overall state of my whacked out hormones.  Maybe they can get everything back on track, and the infertility will sort itself out.  I don't think I care either way, to be honest.  Adoption is always an option.  There are plenty of kids out there who need loving homes.  Or I could just adopt fifteen more dogs, a couple of hairless cats, and a hedgehog. 

I've still got several diagnostics ahead of me and a trip to the endocrinologist.  I'm not worried about the diagnostics because, as I said before, if something were horribly wrong, I would probably have been dead a long time ago.  I am, however, interested in what the endocrinologist has to say.