Long time no post...

So...I haven't posted in a while, but that doesn't mean I have been slacking off!  I've actually been keeping with my workouts and staying motivated.

Since I've started this process, I've lost 2" in my bum, thighs and hips.  I've got some stubborn belly fat that doesn't seem to want to get with the program.  Granted, I'm not being as diligent about what I eat as I was, so I'm sure that's part of the problem.

Surprisingly, the cellulite in my thighs and butt is getting the hint and slowly vacating the premises.  Woot!  All in all, I'm pleased with the progress I'm making.  My arms look great, and I don't hate my legs.  I've got some impressive little biceps and quads forming!

I'm still lifting, and loving it.  I'm up to 27.5lbs on my barbell, and I'm planning to increase another 5lbs next week.  Since I've incorporated the barbell and started doing deadlifts, My hamstrings have become more flexible.  There is a lengthening of all the muscles in my legs, and I'm finding them more aesthetically pleasing.  They're by no means perfect, but I don't hate them.

We haven't had aerial class since the end of June, so my upper body strength is decreasing.  I'm going to try to increase the number of pull-ups I'm doing in an effort to keep my strength up.  For when class starts in September.    

Challenging myself...

Fitocracy has motivated me to try exercises I've never done before.  I like it because it gives me variety in my workouts.  There are also groups that do monthly challenges, like the 30 Day Squat Challenge group.  

I know it says April, but I started at the beginning of June and plan to follow it through.  I usually do a few sets of body weight squats and move on to barbell squats.  I just upped my weight on the barbell squats and thought I would be feeling it today, but I have no delayed onset muscle soreness at all.  So weird.  

I'm also doing the 30 Day Abs Challenge.  I've altered the time for the planks, because the 10 seconds was way too easy for me.  I had no idea sit-ups could be this challenging, however.  Getting through 40 in one set is a chore, but I managed it yesterday.  I have a few days to catch up on, because I strained a muscle in my hand and wrist during Midsummer rehearsals and took two days off training all together, so I didn't injure myself further.

Then, there is the 30 Day Glute Challenge.  Obviously, this one is good for building a better booty.  I've seen so many women saying it's building their glutes, but my bum is actually decreasing in size!   This wasn't exactly the result I was looking for.  I simply wanted to tone the fabulous booty I already have.  I know the exercises are doing what they're supposed to do and turning fat to muscle, and once that part of the process is complete, the glute muscles will continue to develop, and my butt will...bounce back...HA!

One thing I've noticed since I've begun participating in these monthly challenges is that I'm losing weight instead of gaining.  I assumed that once I started lifting, I would be gaining rather than losing.  I'm not going to complain, though, because it's pushing me over the plateau I was on.  I was having trouble losing the last 9lbs of my weight gain, but now I'm down to only an extra 6!  And those 3lbs have come off in just the last week.

I'm not exactly sure where I'm losing this weight, other than losing 1" in my bum and legs. Even with that 1", there is a lot of dimpling and cellulite.  The boobs I was granted with my 30lb weight gain are still there.  My waist measurement is staying the same - my belly is trimmer, but it's still a bit fluffy.  So...I don't know where I'm losing the weight.  

But whatever!  I'm not going to look a gift horse in the mouth.  I look better than I have in the last five years, and I feel great.  I have lots of energy, and my blood pressure has calmed down.  I won't trade any of those things to go back to being the depressed, volatile, emotional mess I was.  I'm just going to keep doing what I'm doing and be the best me I can be.

Oops! Long time, no blog!

It occurred to me this morning that I have not posted in a while.  To be fair, I've been a busy little pixie.  

Festival is finally over, and I am almost recovered.  Almost.  However, I've been full-tilt going to rehearsals for Midsummer every night.  Then, there's aerial class.  AND after Midsummer ends this weekend, I am hoping to start taking more classes with Portico and eventually become a company member.  I really miss dancing, and the more I watch them, the more I want to fully be a part of what they do.    

I'm still struggling with losing the last 8lbs I have left.  However, the muscle tone I'm gaining from my workouts more than makes up for it!

I broke down and bought a barbell.  The barbell was 12.5lbs, and carrying it to the checkout station was a challenge, so I decided I would start with that and purchase weights as needed.  I increased my weight for the first time last week for a total of 17.5lbs.  I think I'll need to go up 5lbs more by Saturday!  

I'm really enjoying lifting.  I love deadlifts (Romanian and stiff legged) and the Pendaly Row.  It's challenging, and something I thought I would never be able to do.  But I can!  And I am stronger for it.  Bentover Barbell Row and I are having some issues, though.  You never really know how weak your back muscles truly are until you've done that move for the first time.  Oy.

Oh!  Oh!  Also, I'm up to 4 pull-ups in one set!  Um.  Yes!  I AM MIGHTY!!!!  AND I can do 5 full pushups in one set!  Crazy talk!  

I love the energy that working out on a regular basis has given me.  I'm not tired all the time,  AND I'm not a raging bitch 3/4 of the time.   I'm also loving the way I look in the mirror.  I still have some cellulite around the booty and thighs to get rid of, but I don't jiggle when I walk anymore.  

I'm still over the moon for Fitocracy.  I'm stunned by how supportive the community is.  And there are so many inspiring stories!  If you're a fitness enthusiast and you haven't checked it out, please do!  I'm LibasaurusRex, and I'll follow back :)

Musings...

Despite this gray, dreary day, I find myself in lovely mood (if not a little sleepy).  I love the way I feel right now.  For one thing, my mood swings have been greatly reduced.  I still get a little crabby and cranky occasionally, but not as frequently and certainly not as severely.  It makes me feel like I'm not entirely batshit crazy.  I'm finally in a good place physically and mentally, and it is such a relief.  When I look in the mirror, I'm able to look past the cellulite and see the changes I'm making for the good.  I'm not focused on what used to be so much as I'm focused on creating a stronger me.    

Thanks to a metric shit-ton of squats, goblet squats, barbell squats, dumbbell squats, and wall sits, I'm seeing definition in my thighs for the first time in years.  I've also lost an inch in my legs!  I was horrified when I put on my festival boots, and they did not fit.  I'm going to try them on again this weekend in hopes that they lace up without any gaps.

And pull-ups!  I'm so very close to being able to do a full pull-up!  My head almost reaches the top of the bar!!!  My upper body strength is finally getting there.  In aerial class, I'm able to stay in the air long enough to get my foot locks or double dance wraps.

I'm gonna go ahead and blame my dear friend Whit for keeping me competitive and motivated.  Since she introduced me to Fitocracy, I've not had a problem making myself workout.  I'm looking forward to my daily workout sessions.  

Some who shares the blame for this new me is my aerial instructor, Maria.  She's fatastically supportive.  She's had more faith in me than I've had in myself, but has allowed me to go at my own pace.  I owe her so much for allowing me to live my dream and coaching me through it every step of the way.  

Progress...

I'm feeling really good this week.  I'm seeing definition in my arms that I've never seen before and definition in my abs that I haven't seen in a long time.  

I had some minor setbacks this week, due to a strained gluteal muscle; but now I'm back in the game!

In last week's aerial class, I performed a Georgia Twist into the beginning of the Cross Back Straddle.  I really have no way to describe this move other than twisty, bendy and more than a little painful.  It's been so humid that the silks were sticking my calves and shins rather than move down to my ankles like they are supposed to.  This led to me being stuck in an awkwardly painful mermaid position for a bit until I figured out how to get into the starting position for CBS.  Oy.  

I remember thinking as I was hanging in the air, doing my Double Dance Wrap for Marionette, that I've come so far in my upper body strength.  I can do moves now that I only drooled over when I was first beginning.  That said, I've still got a ways to go.  I've only been able to do the CBS once, so I'm taking measures to further strengthen my core.  There will be copious amounts of crunches, pilates, and yoga...And an insane inversion move that my instructed tortured me with last night (but I love her for it).

(As I was typing this, I pulled a SILVER HAIR OUT OF MY HEAD!  ERMAHGERD!  WTF?!  WHERE DID THAT EVEN COME FROM?!)

So, I'm not a super-amazing-fantastically-wonderful-aerial-artist yet.  BUT!  I'm getting closer every day.  I'm going to keep doing my bastardized pull-ups, and my ab exercises, and lifting weights, and I'll get there.  I've come a long way in just four months, and I'm pretty damn proud of myself.  

Staying motivated...

I've always found it difficult to stay motivated when I start a health and fitness routine.  This time, I seem to be having better luck at it than in the past.  Since I've started aerial, a long-time dream of mine, I've have a tangible goal to work toward.  

I know I need to increase my upper body strength substantially, so I've set a goal to be able to do an unassisted pull-up.  I'm reaching my goal faster than expected since I've been doing my bastardized pull-ups (standing on a chair and lowering myself to the ground as slowly as possible).  I started with one set of 8 reps and am currently able to do four sets of 8.  I also discovered this week that I am able to pull myself halfway up instead of just dangling there like a worm on a hook.  

Fitocracy is helping me stay motivated, because I have an entire community of people holding me accountable.  Every time I get a notification that someone has given me props, it makes it that much easier for me to do the next workout.  The point system certainly doesn't hurt.  I'm constantly striving to reach that next level.  

I've even been able to get off the plateau I'd been stuck on, and I'm closer to losing the last few pounds to get back to where I was before I gained 30 magical pounds this winter.  

AND!  I can see definition in my abs again!  I feel great about that.  I need to check my measurements, because I'm curious to see if I'm any closer to being able to wear my hugely expensive Ren Fest boots.  

I feel good, I have more energy, and I love what I see when I look in the mirror.  It's a great feeling.

Love my legs...

I've been concentrating mostly on my upper body as I've been getting back into shape, because have better arm, chest and back strength is a huge benefit in aerial class.  Now that my arms are shaping up, I'm ready to start incorporating other body parts.

It's been a long time since I've "loved" my legs.  Unfortunately, I carry all my weight in my lower body.  I'm very short, so it doesn't take much extra weight to make my lower body look dumpy.  I was okay with it until I put on my thigh high pirate boots, and they wouldn't lace.  That just won't do.  These boots were expensive and are one of my prized possessions, so it's time to start working the lower body as well.

I'm going to start biking to Midsummer rehearsals and to aerial class once I get new tubes for my bike.  But, I'm also going to do some sculpting exercises.  I found this routine on Pinterest last year before Ren Fest, and I love it.

There is really no down side to these exercises.  They work your core, glutes, and legs, and you will definitely feel it after just one circuit.  The routine is comprised of five ballet-inspired moves that really work your butt, core, and legs.  I'm going to add this back into my strength training and see what comes of it.

I addition, I have added wall sits to my routine.  I'm trying to do 8 one minute wall sits per day.  So far, I've not found any of the exercises to be limiting in any way.  In fact, I could probably add another couple circuits (if I have time).

Out of the fog

It didn't take as long as I expected to recover from my weekend at the Renaissance Festival.  All it took was reaching my water goal, eating good, clean meals with a balance of protein, carbs, and healthy fats and a good strength training session.  

I fell into bed after Midsummer rehearsal Monday night and slept through very well.  I woke up feeling like a rockstar!  My brain wasn't foggy, my motor skills were back, and I wasn't dreading trudging my way through an eight hour work day.  AND I lost 2.5 of the 4lbs I gained over the weekend! 

I decided to switch up my strength training, because I've noticed that I have these little bulgy bits near my armpits that make wearing tank tops and sleeveless bodices unsightly.  I've also been developing what I call a mini-muffin top.  As I was browsing the Fitness and Health section of Pinterest, I came across this workout that is supposed to work all the bits that regular moves miss.

http://www.prevention.com/fitness/strength-training/fat-burning-workout-routines-trouble-spots?cm_mmc=Pinterest-_-Fitness-_-Article-_-So%20Long%20Spillover%20Spots  

I did one set of each move in addition to the 2 sets of modified pull-ups I've been doing.  Once I'm more comfortable with the routine and don't have to check back to see what move is next, I'll add another circuit, possibly a third.

This morning, I woke up and looked down at my mid-section and could see ab definition.  That was exciting as I've not had any ab definition in ages. 

I'm feeling good and can't wait to conquer my next hurdle, whatever that may be!

  

Skinny vs Strong

I read this blog post today, and it really made me think.  It's about body image and the desire to be strong vs the desire to be skinny.  It made me very sad to think that there were probably girls in my classes in high school and while I was teaching drama who felt the way Sophia did. No girl should ever have to feel that to be accepted, she needs to starve herself. The top priority should be health. If you are eating so little that you can't function properly, there is definitely a problem.  

I never really felt pressured to be skinny in high school. To be fair, I WAS skinny in high school. I was slender, but well muscled, because I was a dancer and a swimmer. I never felt remorse (and still don't feel it) over that cheeseburger or piece of cake. I've always had a healthy love of food.

My senior year, I weighed 79lbs, but it was a healthy 79lbs. Before you get indignant and scoff, you have to remember that I am tiny. I'm 4'10" tall, so 79lbs of muscle looked much better on me than 79lbs would on someone who is 5'3".

It's been only recently that I've begun to feel panic about my body. My muscle mass has decreased significantly, and I've gone soft everywhere. When I realized that I was almost 50lbs over what I was in high school, but that it was mostly fat, I was horrified. I still looked okay as long as I was fully clothed, but most of my muscle tone was buried under an increasingly thick layer of fluff and cellulite. And my blood pressure was sky high!

I didn't freak out. Okay, I freaked out a little, but I didn't go on a crazy binge diet. I've simply been eating cleaner and healthier while incorporating three strength training workouts into my schedule. If I have the time, I'll do a Zumba session on my off days.

Since January, I've dropped 20lbs and gained quite a bit of muscle tone in the process. I'm never going to be 79lbs again, and I'm fine with that. I like finally having boobs, frankly. But my body was getting away from me, and it was time to get it reigned in.  That being said, I still have some work to do.  I'm trying to think more in terms of inches than pounds at this point.  I'm building more muscle, so I may not drop any additional weight.  In fact, I may gain a little, and that's just fine.

The effects of Renaissance festivals on the urban pixie...

This weekend marked the opening of the local Renaissance festival that I've been part of in some capacity for 14 of its 18 years.  It was great to see old friend and make new ones, but it was rough.  I was unkind to myself this weekend and am currently paying for it this morning.  It's going to take me the week to recuperate, and then I get to do it all again.

I definitely need to remember to pack lunches, because no matter how much I love festival food (especially from the new pastie/baked potato vendor), it does not love me.  There tends to be too much sodium, which makes me puff up like mini Staypufft marshmallow man.

In addition, I left my mug at home, so I didn't drink nearly as much water as I should have, which also add to water retention; and I definitely didn't sleep enough which also adds water weight.

The miserable 40-50 degree rainy weather didn't help, either, as cooler temperatures slow down your metabolism and digestive system.

I also ate a meal from Long John Silvers last night, which I know is highly reactive for me.  It was tasty, but I not only did I puff up, it's also made me dumb and lethargic.  I slept a solid 8 hours last night, so there's really no reason for me to be so exhausted.  I'm sleepy, clumsy and can't think clearly.  It feels like I'm moving through molasses.

I'm constantly amazed by the effect that different foods can have on a person.  So, as I sit here typing, eating my bowl of cherries and flaxseed, I have made myself a promise to be good to my body for the rest of the festival.  Not only do I have intense weekends, but I also have rehearsal every night until Midsummer opens. I won't have the energy to make it through aerial classes and 3.5 hour rehearsals if I'm not taking care of myself.  If I continue as I did this weekend, I will crash hard and make myself sick.

So, wish me luck, my friends.  I will need it to make it through this week.

Conquering the Crossback Straddle

Last night's aerial class was extremely gratifying.  After three months of aerial class, I have finally conquered the Crossback Straddle.  Combine that with performing Double Dance Wraps in the air successfully on the first attempt and performing the Marionette for the first time, and you had one happy pixie.

Combine that with dropping 6 of the 15 pounds I have left to shed, and I'm feeling pretty spectacular.  (Granted, after last night, I feel more than a little like someone beat me with a stick, but that will pass!)  My body is getting stronger, I'm getting leaner, my belly is flattening out, and I'm having a grand ol' time.

Mountain Climbers made easy?!

I've been trolling backonpointe.tumblr.com (as usual) and came across a core strengthening article.   In this article, there is what appears to be an amazing (to me) invention.  It's the Valslide.  I know it sounds ridiculous, and it sounds even more ridiculous when you know what it is, but I've seen how easy it makes Mountain Climbers (my fitness nemesis)!  And I want it!!!

Any person who has tried Mountain Climbers knows how difficult they are.  It is one of the most awkward fitness moves I've ever seen, and they are physically exhausting.  Humans just aren't meant to move that way!...Says the girl who spends a good deal of time upside down these days.

Seriously, folks.  Check out Coach Dos's video demonstrating a Mountain Climber variation using the Valslide pads:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aBdCXMSaZEw.

Pull-ups: A Pixie's Perspective

Pull-ups.  Oy.  Just the thought of me trying to do a pull-up makes me laugh hysterically.  I've tried.  There's no way.  I just wriggle about like a fish on a  hook.  

I made a Facebook post about not being able to do a pull-up, and my aerial instructor responded that it took her a year to be able to do her first pull-up.  o.O  A year!  This actually makes sense, because most women find their strength in their legs - especially dancers.  I knew immediately that aerial would be a challenge, because most of the climbs (except for the Taco Climb...gotta love the Taco Climb!) depend on your upper body to do most of the work for you; and I had little to no upper body strength when I started.

My instructor did, in her infinite wisdom, impart to me that starting by jumping up and lowering myself as slowly as possible would utilize the same muscles thus making those muscles stronger.  Good to know!

So, I tried it.  I'm glad I was alone in the house when I did, because I'm sure I looked ridiculous.  I'm 4'10", so I couldn't exactly jump up and reach the pull-up bar.  I had to use a chair.  So, I got in the chair, pulled myself up into the top of a pull-up and slowly lowered myself to the ground, climbed back into the chair and did it all over again.  I was only able to do 8 reps before the muscles in my forearms screamed at me to stop.    

I'm convinced I need to be doing more of these, because my trapezius, deltoids and scapular muscles were sore the next morning.  In fact, they're still sore two days latern (despite my foray into active recovery techniques), which could be a problem since I have aerial class tonight.  My plan is to incorporate these bastardized pull-ups into my routine three days a week so I can get to work building those muscles that will most certainly help with my foray into the aerial arts.

I hope this helps someone out there who is just as hopeless at pull-ups as I am.

What is "Active Recovery"?

Aerial class is working a completely new set of muscles for me.  In the past, my strength has been in my legs.  So, naturally, my aerial classes have left me a bit (read, extremely) sore the next day and even more stiff and sore 48 hours after.

In researching how to prevent this soreness, I kept seeing the term "active recovery".  The first question I had was "What is active recovery?"  Active recovery refers to a low-intensity method of exercise done either immediately after or the day after an intense intense workout.

Unfortunately, I don't have time after my aerial class to do any low-intensity cardio, because I'm getting in my truck right after class and sitting for 10 minutes on the drive home.  At that point, a low-intensity workout becomes pointless as my muscles are no longer warm.  

So, it looks like I'm stuck with option number two, which will be a low-intensity cardio routine the day after aerial (or any of my other conditioning sessions).  It's not ideal, but perhaps it will help with the lingering soreness on day 2 after a workout.  It's certainly worth a try.
http://sportsmedicine.about.com/od/tipsandtricks/a/activerecovery.htm

The following article mentions Self -Myofascial release (SMR), which is a method of self massage using foam rollers or tennis balls.  I use tennis balls and have found that massaging my forearms after an aerial class helps release the muscles.  I have been doing this for the last two weeks, and as a result, my forearms haven't been sore at all.
http://www.builtlean.com/2013/01/21/active-recovery-workout-ideas/   

I hope this helps those of you who may be experiencing the same problems I am.

The fitness roller coaster

I'm so good about being fit and healthy...for a few months at a time.  Then, a switch flips and I sabotage myself.  At the moment, I have several things working against me:

1.)  The scale I was using was out of balance.  WAY out of balance.  So, while I thought I had only gained 20lbs, I had really packed on 30lbs.  Oy.

I really just feel horrible physically right now.  It was fine when I was just 10lbs over my targeted weight.  I could deal with that.  I still felt good, and I was okay with how I looked.  At this point, I'm not okay anymore.  I don't like the way I feel, and I don't like the way I look...Except that I actually have boobs now.  That's always a plus.  But the boobs don't make everything magically better.  I still feel like crap, and I don't really like what I see when I look in the mirror anymore.

2.)  My blood pressure is getting high.  I can feel it every time I workout, creeping up, making my face red.  I've been reading up on it.  Apparently, a 30lb weight gain will do that to you.  I've lost 10 of those pesky 30lbs.  Now, I just need to lose the other 20lbs, and I will be golden.

Sodium intake, of course, also affects blood pressure, and I'm pretty sure I'm having way too much.  For the past three days, I've woken up with swollen feet and fingers.  I'm drinking enough water, but I'm retaining water like a sonofabitch.  It's not pleasant, and it has to stop.

Things have to change, and I have to make those changes now.  I really need to get myself in order.  I don't want to have a heart attack at thirty-one years old.      

3.)  I've been taking aerial for a little over two months now.  I love it, and I'm getting stronger every week.  I can feel it.  I'm just not where I want to be.  So, I'm going to have to kick it up.  The frustrating thing is that I am so sore after one full aerial class that I'm afraid to do anything the next day.  I'm going to look into active recovery and see if I can find a routine that works for me.  I want to maximize my strength building without over-exercising, which is just a glorified form of anorexia - one that is rampant today.

4.)  There is a Whataburger down the street from my house.  I love bacon cheeseburgers.  While they are not reactive for me, I really need to not have it more than once a week or once every two weeks.  It's so difficult.  It's just right there, beckoning to me.  "Libasaurus, come to me.  Partake of my bacon-y, cheesy goodness!"  Oy.

5.)  There is something in bloom right now that is making me puff up like...something that puffs up.  Saturday morning, my eyes were so swollen I could barely keep them open.  I'm also randomly breaking out into hives.  Yay!

6.)  I don't have anyone to hold me accountable for my own health.  My aerial instructor holds me accountable one day a week.  I feel like I'm letting her down if I miss a class, and I'm constantly driven to push myself because she believes in me that much.  I just need that the other six days of the week.  I really do need a fitness buddy.  Or a drill sergeant.  Or Nick Fury.

Argh!  I am so miserable!!!!!!!!

Back On Pointe

If you're looking for well thought out and challenging fitness routines, Back On Pointe is a good place to start.  She has well-rounded general workouts and several different workouts if you're targeting muscle tone in specific areas of the body.

Upper body strength is of the utmost importance in aerial dance, and I have been on the search for upper body and arm routines that I can supplement my training with.  Everything I've read says your body gets used to doing the same sets of exercises over and over again.  So, I want to constantly be doing something different.

Her routines are great, because you don't have to go to a gym to do them.  Most of the exercises use things commonly found in your house.  Some of them occasionally require free weights, but they are inexpensive and can be found at Wal-Mart or Target.  

The only thing I don't like about her routines is that she's fond of the Mountain Climber move.  I hate that move.  I want it to do die in a fire.

It's too soon yet to make any sort of judgement on the effectiveness of the routines, but I will you posted.

Post-Workout Smoothie

Smoothies can be a great way to start the day,but they can also be They're also great recovery drinks pre- and post-workout.

My current post-workout smoothie is a Chocolate Banana smoothie:

1c goat milk
1T cacao powder
1 banana
1t honey
 
I once read an article that chocolate milk was the best recovery drink after working out.  The article suggested that drinking an 8oz glass before your workout gives you the carbs and protein needed to power through your workout.  It goes on to say that drinking an 8oz glass after your workout provides the rest of the protein needed to repair your muscles.  The article said that you would feel less sore if you followed this method.  And you know what?  It was right.  After trying this method, I went from being so sore I could move after a workout to being barely sore, if at all, the day after.

http://eatthis.menshealth.com/content/chocolate-milk-diet

http://www.fitnessmagazine.com/recipes/healthy-eating/superfoods/chocolate-milk-after-workout/

Protein

Protein is a pretty important part of the human diet.  It's one of the three sources of fuel the human body runs on (fats, carbohydrates, and proteins).  Making sure you have enough protein within 30 min of your workout is imperative to muscle repair.

While it is important, you only need so much protein in your diet, even you are physically active.  A sedentary woman only needs .4g of protein per pound of body weight per day, while an active needs .6g.  The human body can only absorb around 7g of protein per hour.  If digestion takes between 4-5 hours, you're look at at max of 28g - 35g of usable protein in a meal.  It is generally recommended to divide up your protein between meals.  How you do that is up to you.  I prefer to start the day off with a bang and have a 1/3 of my protein at breakfast.  I get this with my smoothies and flax granola.  I try to have only a small amount of protein at lunch, because I tend to get lethargic going into the latter part of the day if I have too much.  I usually have a bit of protein with my afternoon snack and then have the remainder at dinner.

On days that I have a workout, instead of a snack, I will have a pre-workout smoothie and a post-workout smoothie, with 9g of protein each.  For dinner, I will have the remainder of my protein.    

http://www.health.com/health/article/0,,20410520,00.html

http://www.marksdailyapple.com/dear-mark-how-much-protein-can-you-absorb-and-use-from-one-meal/

http://sarahfit.com/why-protein-should-be-your-workout-companion/

http://www.livestrong.com/article/530256-how-much-protein-should-a-female-take-post-workout/

http://www.merckmanuals.com/home/disorders_of_nutrition/overview_of_nutrition/carbohydrates_proteins_and_fats.html

http://www.active.com/nutrition/Articles/Get_enough_protein_after_your_next_workout

http://greatist.com/fitness/what%E2%80%99s-best-source-post-workout-protein

Becoming a stronger me...

Aerial class is rocking my face off!  I have phenomenal instructor, and I love my classmates.  There are all kinds of people in the Beginner class from all different walks of life.  Some stay, some take one class and decide it's not for them, but whether they stay or not, we're all very supportive of each other.  

The best part about it is that I can tell I'm getting stronger.  Our instructor has us do conditioning exercises that target the muscles in the upper body.  (I spend half the class upside down in handstands, cartwheels, or doing bridges.)  

Before I started aerial I had very little to no upper body strength.  I've danced for more than half my life, which has led to having very powerful legs.  Arms?  HA!  There was a major difference from last week to this week; though, to be fair, I didn't go to the two classes before last week, and since then, I have added two additional workout days to my schedule.  But it makes a huge difference!  I'm at the point where if I'm having a difficult time with a wrap that I can usually hang in the air long enough to get into the position I need to be in.  It feels great to be making progress, however slow it might be.   

   

Smoothies!

I love smoothies, because they're quick and easy.  I'm talking smoothies you make at home--not the ones you get Jamba Juice that are chock-full of sugar and end up being worse for you than a cheeseburger at your favorite pub.

I find that smoothies are great to start your morning off with an energy boost.  Currently, my favorite smoothie is my Avocado Banana Berry smoothie.  The creamy texture from the avocado and banana makes it oh-so-pleasing to the palate.

1/2c goat milk
1/2 avovado
1/2c strawberries
1/2c blueberries
1 banana
1t honey
1T flaxseeds or chia seeds

I use goat milk because it is easier to digest than cow's milk, and it provides a good source of protein.  For a more Plan friendly smoothie, substitute coconut milk for the goat milk.  I have found, however, that the protein in the goat milk gives me more of an energy boost than coconut milk.

This smoothie is great as a pre-workout drink because it gives me an energy boost.  The healthy fats from the avocado and the antioxidants from the berries also make this a good smoothie for fighting skin breakouts.  (Very good if you're detoxing on The Plan).

Still hanging in there

I'm still on The Plan.  I'm just horrible at blogging.

I've lost the 20lbs I had gained, and my skin is clearing up.  Woot!

I'm going to stick with The Plan, simply because I feel better and have more energy than when I'm eating the foods that make me miserable.

I've added two more days of exercise per week, since Lyn-Genet suggests exercising no more than 4 days per week for no more than 45 minutes per day.  Honestly, I've been exercising 3 days per week for 1 hour, but I'm keeping it simple with basic strength exercises and my aerial class.  I'm not going nuts with the over-exercising.  1.)  In my experience, while exercising regularly is supposed to make you feel happy and when I over-exercise I just feel miserable.  2.)  Over-exercising can cause your body to go into famine mode and have the opposite of the desired effect you are looking for.

http://fitness.mercola.com/sites/fitness/archive/2012/12/28/7-hidden-signs-of-overtraining.aspx

http://www.eatingdisordersonline.com/explain/anorathletica.php

http://health.usnews.com/health-news/blogs/on-fitness/2010/11/05/10-signs-youre-exercising-too-much

Progress!

Finally!  Some progress!  

I finally dropped 3 of the 4.5 pounds I gained last week.  It took two days of MSM supplements and keeping to the friendly foods, but it's working.  My face is still a bit itchy and very flaky, but it's getting better.  My breakouts are clearing up, and my skin isn't as red and angry.  Here's to hoping that a couple more days of this will clear this business up, and I'll be back on track.  

Still in stasis

Unfortunately, I'm still in stasis with The Plan.  I'm still itching and breaking out in the face, but it's because I keep forgetting to take my MSM.  I need to be taking 3000mg for the next six weeks.  Once I finally remember to take it for consecutive days, it should help with the histamine reaction.

I've also reached a plateau.  When I stopped The Plan because I was afraid I was allergic to the flax granola, I gained 4.5 pounds.  Now, even having gone back to friendly foods, I'm still at the same weight.  My water is on point and The foods I'm eating are friendly.  It could be my thyroid.  I'll be investigating that in the next few days.

Wish me luck : /

Almost back in the saddle...

I heard from Cindy, one of The Plan staff.  The good news is that I'm not allergic to flax granola, which would have been tragic.  The bad news is that both the cystic acne, and of course, the hives are histamine reactions caused by my detox.  I suspected that was the problem, I just needed to be sure.  I need to up my MSM intake and stick to my friendly foods until things clear up.  So, back to square...three.  I'm really craving the roasted winter vegetables with goat cheese.  Om Nom Nom!

In a holding pattern...

I know I haven't blogged in a week, but I'm in a holding pattern. I haven't give up on The Plan; but, I've had some reactions that I'm concerned about, and I think I could be mildly intolerant to the flax granola.  This would be a crying shame, because I love the flax granola.  

I'm having cystic acne breakouts and a reaction that is very much likes hives (itch, red bumps) on my face.  Something I've noticed since the beginning is that my skin is super dry and flaky, even with the use of a humidifier.  So, I've contacted the Lyn-Genet crew and I'm waiting to hear what they have to say before I continue.

Learning to Fly

Those of you know me, might know that I was a ballet dancer for 16 years, and was in a modern dance company for a year.  Since then the closest I've been to a dance class is Zumba for Xbox Kinect.

It's been a dream of mine for 15 years to learn the art of Aerial dance.  The first time I saw an aerial routine was in a performance of Cirque du Soliel.  I was mesmerized.  The flow of the silks, the execution of the moves, everything was perfection, and it spoke to the dancer in me.

I'm finally living my dream.  I took my first aerial class last night, and let me tell, it is nothing to scoff at.  On some level I knew that it would be a lot of work, and there would be intense training involved.  However, I think a part of me assumed that since I was a dancer, it wouldn't be as difficult.  Wrong!

One thing my first lesson taught me was how seriously out of shape I am.  o.O  I do realize that I'm using a completely different set of muscles than I am accustomed to using, but geez!  I'm sore from the waist up.

I'm aware that it will get easier eventually, but in the mean time I have the circuit training exercises to do every other day to build my upper body strength.

Wish me luck, kids.  It's going to be one hellaciously fun ride!

Some observations

I made a pact with myself that I would blog once a day during this whole I'm-going-to-revamp-my-life-for-the-thousandth-time...thing.  When you are going through a lifestyle change, journaling is supposed to help you stick with it.  I don't one top to blog at length about, so I thought I would blog about some observations I've made in the last couple of days.

1.)  Coconut milk and chia seeds make for a morning smoothie powerhouse!  This morning for breakfast, I had a fruit smoothie with coconut milk, pineapple, raspberries and wild blueberries.  I tossed in two teaspoons of chia seeds into the blender, and voila!  Tasty, filling breakfast.  It kept me going right up until lunch time.  In the past, smoothies haven't quite got me through to lunch, but this one certainly did.  I'm a little sad that The Plan says Greek yogurt can be highly reactive, but with the discovery of coconut milk, I think I'll be fine.

2.)  Ritz whole wheat crackers are the devil. I desperately wanted something to go with my turkey at lunch today, so I grabbed a handful of Ritz whole wheat crackers from the break room at work.  Such a bad plan!  I had turkey on its own yesterday and had no reaction. Today, I had five Ritz cracker with it and BAM!--heartburn.

3.)  Fast food pizza sucks.  Since I'm broke (But hey!  At least I'm paying off my debts!), I've been scraping together meals of frozen leftovers.  Last night was leftover pizza from a fast food chain.  Bleh.  It just wasn't good.  Not to mention the digestive issues it caused.  I'll be sticking with Andolini's and staying away from the other crap.

4.)  The Lyn-Genet crew is amazing!  They answer your questions in a timely and encouraging manner.  I know this because I asked via their Facebook page about hydration and why I am always thirsty.  My  question was answered in less than five minutes.  They suggested a humidifier.  I have my baby humidifier but they suggested getting a larger one for my room.  I'll be testing that theory, because I just feel so dry!  

Girl Talk...

***DISCLAIMER***  If you're a guy who's squeamy about anything that has to do with a woman's period, you probably want to turn back now.  This post is all about "girl time."

One of the biggest factors in deciding to try The Plan was the testimonials from women who had issues with their reproductive system.  Be it Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS), infertility or Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD).

My thinking was if The Plan could help women with more serious conditions like PCOS, it might be able to help me with my problems.

After reading the small section on hypothyroidism in The Plan, I did some independent research.  Turns out women with hypothyroidism are like to irregular periods that can be frequent with a heavier that normal flow.

My period has never been an easy breezy 3-5 days like most woman.  (Lucky bitches!)  Instead, mine were more like 7-9 days with a heavy flow and painful cramps.  Unfortunately, the older I got, the worse it got.  My junior year of college found me bed ridden the first day of my period because walking hurt and movement of any kind made me nauseous.  The cramps were crippling and nothing made them better.  In the mornings, I would have to crawl to the dorm bathroom and dry heave into the toilet.  One day, I was looking at the selection of candy at the campus convenience store, and my vision bleached out.  I had to reach for the nearest stable surface to keep myself upright until my vision returned.  Yeah, it was that bad.

In my search for relief, everyone had the same answer:  Birth control!  If I had to be on birth control, by God I wanted to be on the one that limited your period to four times a year.  Sadly, that was not to be.  Apparently, I'm so small that the strength of that particular type of birth control could kill me.  So, I was placed on a low-dose pill.  It helped with the cramps and discomfort, but my periods were still 7 days or more.    

It wasn't until I graduated college and had a job with decent insurance that I discovered I am prone to ovarian cysts which were most likely the cause of my discomfort.  That was a horrifying experience that involved a ruptured cyst and more invasive BS than I ever wanted to experience.

A few years went by without any more cystic issues; it seems they were just lying in wait, however, as I ended up in the ER with appendicitis...we thought.  But oh, no!  It was those pesky ovarian cysts!  13 of them.  I was ordered to go back on the pill, because it would help with the cysts...while possibly causing a multitude of other health issues.  So, I took it for a while, decided it was a $10/month expense I could do without and stopped.  It still wasn't helping with the length of my cycle, so I really wasn't impressed.

After all this, you can imagine that I was more than willing to jump on any opportunity to "fix" my batshit crazy reproductive system without chemical assistance.  So, I got the thyroid supplements, cut out diet sodas (which can adversely affect your hormones), and was actually surprised my period.

I can usually tell when my cycle is coming, because I'm a wretched beast for about a week.  I'm a hormonal mess who could cry at you or bite your head off at any time.  Or perhaps both.  Within the same five minute conversation.  This time, however, I wasn't in a wretched mood!  I haven't had cramps or heartburn or any bizarre cravings.  It's been as normal as my period has ever been.  I'm hoping this becomes a growing trend and that the other irregularities in my cycle will fade away.  I'm crossing my fingers...        

http://thyroid.about.com/gi/o.htm?zi=1/XJ&zTi=1&sdn=thyroid&cdn=health&tm=41&f=10&tt=2&bt=0&bts=0&zu=http%3A//www.thyroid-info.com/articles/menstruation.htm
http://www.uptodate.com/contents/hypothyroidism-underactive-thyroid-beyond-the-basics
http://www.webmd.com/mental-health/premenstrual-dysphoric-disorder
http://women.webmd.com/tc/polycystic-ovary-syndrome-pcos-topic-overview

A pleasant surprise...

I am aiming for beginning The Plan next Monday, but I've already lost 10 of the 20 pounds I'd packed on.  I haven't even really changed any of my eating habits. I haven't eliminated any of the foods I usually eat; nor have I limited the amount of food I am taking in.  

So far I've done three things: I picked up the supplements to stimulate my thyroid, cut out soda and started drinking more water and BAM!  A week later, I'm 10 pounds lighter and a great deal less miserable.

Going into this, weight loss was not a huge concern for me.  I did want to get rid of the 20 pounds I had gained, but I just assumed getting my thyroid and hormones under control would result in losing that weight.  Eventually.  I had no idea it would happen this fast.  It makes me even more interested to see how my body is going to respond to The Plan.

    

Experimentation is fun!

I think the reason The Plan is so attractive to me is that it's like a science experiment.  Once you've done what Lyn-Genera calls The Cleanse (which really isn't like a cleanse at all, because you're eating food instead of fading on water or juice), you're body is in its "control" state.  From there, you begin your experimentation by adding in more reactive foods gradually, weeding out (or not) the ones that aren't working for you.

I haven't  begun the cleanse yes, but I've purchased some of the foods from the cleanse portion of the plan to see if they are palatable for me. 

One of these foods is coconut milk.  I'm not terribly fond of coconut, but I've found I enjoy the consistency of coconut milk more than I do cow's milk.  That's something I never in a million years thought I would say. 

I'm really looking forward to The Plan, because it allows you to discover new foods and encourages you to eat until you are full.  None of that counting calories and eating like a bird crap.  For a person who genuinely loves food and enjoys eating, that's the best thing you can say!

Kicking the habit...

I'm a Diet Dr. Pepper junkie.  I love the stuff.  However, I'm reading everywhere that says the sweeteners in my favorite diet soda could be making my hormones wonky.  It could also be mutating my DNA and raising my insulin levels just as much as regular Dr. Pepper would.  The artificial sweeteners could also be contributing to the massive migraines I've been experience on a regular basis.

The Plan discourages drinking any soda, because you're pumping chemicals into your body.  So, I've made a conscious effort not to drink my beloved DDP this week.  I've cut soda out of my life before, so I was fully expecting the misery of a pounding headache.  However, I have been pleasantly surprised.  The few headaches I've had have been manageable.

I also feel more clearheaded than I have in a while.  In addition, the desire to crawl into bed and hide from the world in less prevalent.  I've even been in a decent mood the last couple of days.  In fact, yesterday I was laughing and joking and being silly.  I can't remember the last time that happened without some sort of bite or sarcasm behind it.

It's not going to be easy, and I will probably cave a couple of times, but I'm hoping the radical difference in mood and disposition will be enough to motivate me to stick to my guns about this.  Wish me luck.

http://arizonaadvancedmedicine.com/articles/diet_soda.html

Dandelion Tea

As I'm gearing up for The Plan, I'm stocking up and beginning to take the supplements Lyn-Genet recommends to help stimulate the thyroid.

She also recommends a liver cleanse or drinking dandelion tea because they flush the liver of toxins.  I'm not going to take a cleanse pill for any reason.  I'm taking enough supplements to get my thyroid in check.  So, I started looking into dandelion tea instead.

In researching dandelion tea, I'm finding benefits that make me want to give it a shot.  Apparently, women have used it for centuries to stave off cramps.  Why am I just learning about this now?!  Why couldn't someone have told me this decades ago?!

Did you know your liver performs over 500 functions, including hormone control?  I didn't know that!  I also didn't know that the health of your liver has an effect on your allergies.

After my research, I had my first cup of dandelion tea.  I'm not gonna lie.  The smell is kinda awful; but once you get over the initial impact of the smell, there is a subtle, nutty smell.  To me, dandelion tea smells and tasted a bit like roasted peanuts.  I had to force myself to finish the first cup, but I think it's something I can get used to.

I'm willing to try most things that will help me get my hormones and thyroid under control.  If I can do it without poisoning myself with chemicals and pills, so be it.

http://www.healthhomehappy.com/2010/10/natural-remedy-dandelion-root-for-liver-health-and-fat-digestion.htm
http://www.amazing-green-tea.com/dandelion-tea.html
http://www.buzzle.com/articles/dandelion-root-tea.html

The thing about hydration...

The thing about hydration is that I don't really know how much water is enough.  

We've heard from childhood that every person should drink 8 glasses of water a day.  But is that really enough?  Or is it too much?  

I've found several resources that are debunking the classic command of drinking 8 - 8oz servings of water per day.  The May Clinic seems to think it's not enough.  http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/water/NU00283

Many of the articles say you should be drinking half of your body weight in ounces.  For example: If you weight 160 pounds, you should be drinking 80oz of water daily.  Okay, but when I follow this rule I end up being thirsty all day.   

Lyn-Genet says add lemon juice to your water, and it will make it easier for your body to absorb the water.  She also says that you should drink all of your water before 7:30pm, so you don't gain excess water weight over night.  More about lemon and water, the alkaline duo here:  http://www.lookgreat-loseweight-savemoney.com/lemon-water.html.  

However, there are other articles that say you need more than 8 - 8oz glasses of water per day and that I should be drinking water right before in order to avoid being dehydrated over night.  

The science nerd in me says, "Now, wait a minute."  I know that over-hydration can be just as bad as dehydration.  When you over-hydrate, the water depletes your body of essential vitamins and minerals.  Learn more about water intoxication here:  http://chemistry.about.com/cs/5/f/blwaterintox.htm. 

So where is the happy medium?  How much friggin' water am I supposed to drink?!  

Good News!

Yesterday's post was about unfriendly foods.  Today is about a surprisingly friendly food:  Pizza.

I'm not a fan of traditional fast food pizza.  I'm a pizza snob.  It's why I usually only eat pizza from Andolini's Pizzeria.  They use high quality ingredients, and they make their mozzarella fresh.  It's drool worthy.  

In any case, the roommate took me to Andolini's for dinner last night, and I am pleased to announce that one of my favorite pizzas - The Athenian (kalamatta olives, feta cheese, olive oil, mozzarella, sausage) seems to be fairly friendly!  *happy dance*  I substitute the sausage with chicken, because I'm not a fan of sausage pizza.  Chicken Athenian in going on my list of "Friendly" foods to try.

The sausage version, on the other hand, is going on the "Unfriendly" list.  I had a piece by accident and blew up like a balloon.  Eh.  You win some, you lose some.  I'm just tickled the chicken version is more friendly.  

Fast Food Nightmare...

I've finished reading The Plan by Lyn-Genet.  In doing so, I've noticed a few things about the foods I'm eating.  I've begun to create an "Unfriendly" list for myself.

A few days ago, I went to my favorite Italian restaurant with my girlfriends.  My meal was delicious, and something I'd never tried before.  It was Chicken Florentino--a cheesy, lemony creation with spinach and penne pasta.  I've suspected for a while now that pasta and I aren't exactly on friendly terms.  On multiple occasions, I have scarfed down a delicious pasta dish only to wake up in the middle of the night with sever intestinal cramps.  If I stick to reasonable portions, it's not a problem, but if I binge...Well, things get ugly.  The Chicken Florentino caused a similar reaction, and sadly, I added it to my "Unfriendly" list.  

***DISCLAIMER***  This is the point where guys may want to turn away, because I'm going to talk about "girl time."

I've always had problems with my period.  It never lasted the 3-5 days everyone tells you it's supposed to.  Oh, no.  Not for me.  On top of having digestion issues and intense cramping, I also got saddled with periods that would last 7-14 days.  That was if I was lucky.  Recently, I had a period that lasted 14 days, but I spotted for a solid 8 weeks after that.

A year and a half ago, I was in the emergency room with abdominal pain so bad every doctor I saw that day was certain it was appendicitis.  When they did my CAT scan, however, they found multiple cysts on each of my ovaries.  Then, it was onto a pelvic exam that confirmed a total of 13 cysts.  Oy.

In The Plan, Lyn-Genet cites examples of women who have trouble with infertility, Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome and severe PMS.  Each of these women were able to overcome their issues by following The Plan.  

The concept that a food may have a direct impact on certain health issues made stop and think.  If these women were able to sort out their health concerns, it might be beneficial for me to try it.  After all, their problems were with their reproductive system, and so it mine.  

The day after the Chicken Florentino disaster, I went to Taco Bell, because it was close, quick and cheap.  I ordered the Cheesy Fiesta Potatoes (a personal favorite) and one Taco Supreme.  BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE!  I don't eat there all that often to begin with, and I probably won't eat there again.    

I immediately felt discomfort in my digestive track.  I always thought it took up to 8 hours for a meal to fully digest; but if the food is reactive for you you could feel the effects as soon as your digestive juices go to work.  

45 minutes after eating my meal from Taco Bell, I began to have pain in my ovaries.  Coincidence?  I'm leaning toward no.  

I started out the day with a flat belly, but 1.5 hours after eating the meal from hell, I was uncomfortably bloated with a distended belly.  o.O  Trust me when I say I will never do that to myself again.

I haven't started The Plan yet, but it's definitely made me aware of what I'm eating.  

Back on the bandwagon...

In the last few months, I have discovered several things:

1.)  I am most likely thyroid deficient.  You'd never know it because I'm a skinny bitch, but all of the symptoms are there.  I'm planning on getting tested in the next couple of weeks.

2.)  I'm in hibernation mode.  All I want to do is sleep.  I'm exhausted all the time.  Most days, I go to bed at 9pm and wake up at 5am or 6am.  I shouldn't be this tired!!!

3.)  I'm still having crazy mood swings, because last year's resolutions went right out the window.  I've found it is difficult to stay motivated when your fitness buddy loses interest.  It's also difficult to motivated myself to prepare home cooked meals after a full day of job related bullshit.  

4.)  I've discovered "The Plan."  

The Plan is based on inflammation and it's effects on the body.  This inflammation can be caused by many things from too much exercise down to the foods you eat.  Inflammation causes chronic health issues such as headaches, arthritis, hormonal imbalance and even infertility.  

Lyn-Genet (www.lyn-genet.com) is the mother of The Plan.  She developed the system because she was a nutritionist with clients who couldn't seem to lose weight even though they were eating the "right" foods and exercising fanatically.  She started studying these foods and the way they reacted with specific clients.  Through this research, she concluded that the reason most people fail at dieting even when they are doing everything "right" is because the foods they are eating are reactive and cause inflammation in the body.  

Not only did she notice a connection between the food and inflammation, but also the food and flare ups of migraines, arthritis, gout and other health issues.  The inflammation caused by reactive foods resulted in some of her clients to gain up to 2 - 3 pounds per day!

I stumbled upon Lyn-Genet and The Plan in a magazine.  There was an article about the editor's experience with the Plan and how it was able to correct the gamut of health issues she was having from weight gain, to lethargy, to acid reflux and mood-swings.  It peaked my interest, mostly because nothing I've tried for the last several months has given me any sort of sustainable energy boost, and my mood-swings are just as insane as ever.  

The article went on to say that the writer was reminded what a joyful experience eating could be and how food had more flavor after being on The Plan.  I'm a girl who loves my food, so I was even more intrigued--intrigued enough that I bought her book for my Android Kindle app.  (It's $11.04 right now on Amazon.)  

The best part of the plan?  You don't have to stop eating the foods you love.  You start with a basic meal plan with some of the foods Lyn-Genet has found to be the least reactive.  From there, you begin to experiment, working up to eating at your favorite restaurants.  If you find a food that makes you gain 3 pounds over night, maybe you shouldn't eat that food.  The Plan doesn't work in absolutes.  

We all know what it feels like to eat something that makes you miserable.  Gas, bloating and other colorful digestive problems are no fun to deal with.  You eat it, deal with the aftermath and decide there's no way you're going to do that to yourself again.  However, did you ever consider that the intense migraine you get after eating a juicy cheeseburger with mustard might mean that you should steer clear of the tangy yellow substance?  Probably not.  I mean, it's just mustard, right?  Certainly there's no harm in the world's most common condiment.  According to Lyn-Genet, mustard is a condiment you might want to stay away from.

It's actually Lyn-Genet's book that made me realize for the first time that I might have hypothyroid disorder.  She gives you a simple way to test your thyroid without having to have a needle stuck in your arm along with a list of symptoms for hypothyroid disorder.  Reading the list, I had to shake my head.  It wasn't just a few symptoms on the list.  It was every symptom on the list.  My lack of energy, my constantly below average body temperature combined with being cold, seasonal depression, hormone imbalance and my sudden weight gain of almost 20 pounds; it all points to hypothyroid disorder.  In The Plan, Lyn-Genet gives you tips to help you manage your thyroid.  

After reading the testimonials and monitoring my body's reactions to the food I'm eating, I think I am going to try this.  I really have nothing to lose.  And I have the potential of taking control of my body and my health.  After everything I've read, I'd have to be stupid not to at least try this.