Yesterday, I had my third ever trans-vaginal ultrasound. I would like to say that since I'm a TVU veteran, that the procedure wasn't traumatizing in the slightest, and I handled it like a pro. That, however, would be a gigantic lie of the fiery pants variety.
I was nervous, because I hate trans-vag ultrasounds. They shove this in you and twist, turn, and dig around in your vagina taking pictures of things that, by all rights, should not see the light of day. So, I asked my mom to go with me, because I didn't want to be alone.
This particular ultrasound was awful. The tech was bad. She didn't really bother to prep me before she jammed the wand in. It was startling, and it hurt. Never mind that it's already an unnerving experience to be in stirrups, open, exposed, and vulnerable. The whole thing felt humiliating and made me nauseous. I felt like a zoo exhibit. She didn't try to talk to me to keep my mind off it, which was very disconcerting. The other two techs who worked with me made sure to talk to me about what they were seeing, asked how I was feeling, Instead, this one talked to my mom, all the while marking little arrows on the ultrasound. WHICH IS TERRIFYING, BY THE WAY, BECAUSE I HAVE NO CLUE WHAT KIND OF NOTES SHE WAS MAKING.
To add to it, there's my mom, trying her best to be supportive...but she's bad at it. She's not good at understanding that things like pain and emotional distress are relative things. If she's not currently experiencing it, she doesn't understand why you should be. Don't get me wrong, I appreciated her being there to hold my hand, but a little more empathy would have been nice. I don't mean to say that she was a cold, unfeeling harpy the entire time. Far from it. Her concern was obvious, she just didn't know how to comfort me as I was sobbing during and after the ordeal.
The emotional fallout was something I didn't expect and was in no way prepared for. I felt humiliated and violated while this woman dug around in my insides without even acknowledging me. It was as though I was invisible to her. I didn't expect her to coddle me, but some sort of acknowledgment would have been helpful. She was nice enough, so I don't think she was being purposefully dismissive. Maybe she was new enough to the job that she hasn't developed a bedside manner yet, but it really messed with my head. Lying there for 15 minutes while a stranger dug around in my vagina and made notes on a computer...It's not a gentle process, and afterward, I was left sore, stinging, and crampy.
I didn't really have time to process all those emotions yesterday, because I had to go right home and get to work on some last-minute edits, and I haven't really had a chance to process it today, because I woke up and went right back into the edits and then had to go to work.
So, here I am at my desk, randomly crying, and I feel like a basket case. I'm still sore and nauseous, and I really just want to go to bed and eat a pint of Ben & Jerry's non-dairy Chunky Monkey, but here I am, adulting like a champ in the middle of a nervous breakdown. Achievement Unlocked.
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