Well...that was certainly a thing that happened...

Yesterday, I had my third ever trans-vaginal ultrasound.  I would like to say that since I'm a TVU veteran, that the procedure wasn't traumatizing in the slightest, and I handled it like a pro.  That, however, would be a gigantic lie of the fiery pants variety.

I was nervous, because I hate trans-vag ultrasounds.  They shove this in you and twist, turn, and dig around in your vagina taking pictures of things that, by all rights, should not see the light of day.  So, I asked my mom to go with me, because I didn't want to be alone.

This particular ultrasound was awful.  The tech was bad.  She didn't really bother to prep me before she jammed the wand in.  It was startling, and it hurt.  Never mind that it's already an unnerving experience to be in stirrups, open, exposed, and vulnerable.  The whole thing felt humiliating and made me nauseous.  I felt like a zoo exhibit.  She didn't try to talk to me to keep my mind off it, which was very disconcerting. The other two techs who worked with me made sure to talk to me about what they were seeing, asked how I was feeling,  Instead, this one talked to my mom, all the while marking little arrows on the ultrasound. WHICH IS TERRIFYING, BY THE WAY, BECAUSE I HAVE NO CLUE WHAT KIND OF NOTES SHE WAS MAKING.

To add to it, there's my mom, trying her best to be supportive...but she's bad at it.  She's not good at understanding that things like pain and emotional distress are relative things.  If she's not currently experiencing it, she doesn't understand why you should be.  Don't get me wrong, I appreciated her being there to hold my hand, but a little more empathy would have been nice.  I don't mean to say that she was a cold, unfeeling harpy the entire time.  Far from it.  Her concern was obvious, she just didn't know how to comfort me as I was sobbing during and after the ordeal.

The emotional fallout was something I didn't expect and was in no way prepared for.  I felt humiliated and violated while this woman dug around in my insides without even acknowledging me.  It was as though I was invisible to her.  I didn't expect her to coddle me, but some sort of acknowledgment would have been helpful.  She was nice enough, so I don't think she was being purposefully dismissive.  Maybe she was new enough to the job that she hasn't developed a bedside manner yet, but it really messed with my head.  Lying there for 15 minutes while a stranger dug around in my vagina and made notes on a computer...It's not a gentle process, and afterward, I was left sore, stinging, and crampy.

I didn't really have time to process all those emotions yesterday, because I had to go right home and get to work on some last-minute edits, and I haven't really had a chance to process it today, because I woke up and went right back into the edits and then had to go to work.

So, here I am at my desk, randomly crying, and I feel like a basket case.  I'm still sore and nauseous, and I really just want to go to bed and eat a pint of Ben & Jerry's non-dairy Chunky Monkey, but here I am, adulting like a champ in the middle of a nervous breakdown.  Achievement Unlocked.

I'm too young for this shit...

I'm so bad at following through.  With anything.  I'm constantly starting new projects and get distracted halfway through and never return to complete them.  Some projects I return to every once in a while and pick up where I left off.  This blog is one of the latter.

I've blogged before about the problems I've had with my lady plumbing.  I've been to several doctors in the past who have just tried to put me on birth control hoping that corrects the problem.  It never does.  I was once on birth control and continued to bleed for nine weeks.  After week three (I was used to having two-week-long periods at this point), I began to get concerned.  So, I called my OBGYN's office.  Apparently, that wasn't alarming enough to get me in to see her in a reasonable amount of time, so I had to schedule my appointment TWO MONTHS OUT.

At five weeks, I called again to see if there were any cancellations.  Again, I was made to feel as if bleeding for five weeks from my reproductive organs was nothing to be alarmed about and no move was made to accommodate me or my fears.  I wasn't even allowed to speak with my doctor.  After bleeding for nine weeks, it finally stopped, and I called to cancel my appointment.  That was the last time I tried to get help for the problem.

Recently, however, things have been worse.  I've been tired, laggy, and my periods have become even more erratic than they were to begin with.  So, I decided to try again.  I have a friend with endometriosis, and she has an OBGYN she swears by.  Luckily, Dr. K was taking new patients.

My initial visit was basically a consult.  It was an opportunity for us to feel each other out and for her to get to know my history.  Dr. K was horrified when I told her what I'd been dealing with and stunned that no one had done any tests to even attempt to find out the cause.

I told her I wanted a full hormone panel, because I knew there was something wrong, and I wanted to figure out what it was so I could fix it.  Bleeding for two weeks, having a two week break, and bleeding again is not normal, and it's physically exhausting.

So, she scheduled me for every blood test under the sun.  Seriously.  They took just a little under a pint of blood.  And then, I waited.  I waited for two weeks until all the tests came back.  I knew there was nothing life-threatening.  I'd been dealing with this for nearly fifteen years.  I would be dead by now if something was horribly wrong with me.  However, the waiting game is never fun.

Dr. K called on Monday to go over my results.  She told me I'm anemic, which isn't a surprise since I bleed more often than I don't.  She also said all of my hormones were a little on the low side of normal, except my testosterone and luteinizing hormone.  Those two were practically non-existent.  I was surprised about the testosterone, to be honest.  If anything, I had expected it to be high.

I asked what it meant that they were so low, and she said it means that I have entered perimenopause.  I had been joking for a while about going through the Change of Life, but I was half serious.  I was kind of hoping for it, to be honest, because it's the easiest answer to the issues I'm having.  That does not, however, rule out any possible underlying causes.

She is going to do even more tests and take an endometrial biopsy, because she's still concerned I may have been dealing with endometriosis since the very beginning of my menstrual cycles.  I honestly don't think that's the case.  I've had two trans-vaginal ultrasounds (I loathe them with the fire of a thousand suns), and no one mentioned seeing anything that would indicate endometriosis.  Oh, and this afternoon, I get to have a third!  Because the universe hates me.

 The endometrial biopsy will tell her if I have healthy cells in my uterine lining.  If the cells are healthy, we will leave it be.  If not, she may recommend an endometrial ablation, which is where they go in and charbroil your uterine lining.  She said I would have to be 110% certain I never wanted kids because the procedure would drastically lower the chances of me being able to get pregnant.  She also said that it was highly unlikely I would be able to get pregnant anyway with my hormone levels being what they are.  

It's not terribly surprising.  I'm in perimenopause.  It's basically a gradual decline in your ability to reproduce, and I'm fairly certain this has been the case since my early to mid-20s.  That's when I started having weird, super painful periods that were two weeks long, made me dry heave, and gave me visual migraines.  I think it went un-diagnosed so long, because it's highly unusual for a woman in her early 20s to be perimenopausal.  Heck, it's unusual for someone younger than 35! 

So, for all intents and purposes, I am infertile.  Which isn't awful news.  It's not great, but it's not devastating.  Well...not for me.  My mom is pretty bummed about it, but I'm handling it well.  The first night was rough.  It's one thing to make the decision yourself.  It's another entirely to have that decision taken out of your hands.  

That's not to say it's impossible.  Time, however, is not on my side.  Even if I did find someone I wanted to have children with, a pregnancy attempt would involve expensive hormone therapies and procedures like in vitro fertilization.  I could maybe freeze some eggs and use a surrogate when the time came, but that's a costly decision I'm not prepared to make at this point.

Who knows?  Dr. K has referred me to an endocrinologist to address the overall state of my whacked out hormones.  Maybe they can get everything back on track, and the infertility will sort itself out.  I don't think I care either way, to be honest.  Adoption is always an option.  There are plenty of kids out there who need loving homes.  Or I could just adopt fifteen more dogs, a couple of hairless cats, and a hedgehog. 

I've still got several diagnostics ahead of me and a trip to the endocrinologist.  I'm not worried about the diagnostics because, as I said before, if something were horribly wrong, I would probably have been dead a long time ago.  I am, however, interested in what the endocrinologist has to say.

Adrenal Fatigue

After over a year of absence from aerial due to an injury, I am ready to get back to it.  Before I get back in the air, however, I need to rebuild my upper body strength.  I want to be confident in my ability to complete weight-bearing exercises.

Since the muscle I injured was a support muscle, I need to be sure I'm not going to injure myself further.  The only way to do that is to start from square one and make sure I pay attention to what my body is telling me.

That said, I've worked out every day from Sunday through Thursday.  I've been pushing myself too hard.  The last couple of days, I've been exhausted in the morning after a vigorous workout the previous evening.  I decided to do some research into post-workout exhaustion, and found some articles about adrenal fatigue.

The adrenal gland is responsible for cortisol production.  Cortisol is released in times of stress, be it mental or physical.  While exercise strengthens the adrenal gland, over-exercising will deplete your cortisol levels.  This is more likely when you are not taking rest days to let your body recover.

In my case, this is what I've been doing.  I push myself hard all week, but then I crash on Friday and Saturday.  I'm really going to have to take rest days during the week instead of taking my rest days on the weekend.  My body isn't prepared for the demands of every day training.

I'm going to take Friday and Saturday to rest and recoup, and I'm going to build a new weekly menu for myself, including morning omelets and smoothies.  I'm going to continue drinking plenty of water and getting plenty of rest, and then I'm going to plan out my workouts for the next four weeks with a rest day every two days.  I may even move my workouts to the morning since I'm getting home so late in the evening.  That way, I can eat dinner before 8pm.

http://www.adrenalfatigue.org/what-is-adrenal-fatigue

https://experiencelife.com/article/fending-off-adrenal-fatigue/

http://adrenalfatiguesolution.com/

http://adrenalfatiguesolution.com/adrenal-fatigue-diet/

Back From Hiatus

I'm terrible about blogging.  Seriously awful.  Anyhoo, so many things have happened while I was away!

I started as a teaching assistant for aerial kids and beginner classes.  While teaching, I was injured (detached an intercostal muscle from one of my ribs).  I stuck it out until the final session and decided to take some time off to study for my NASM personal trainer exam.  All in all, I was inactive for a good four months.

Being injured was awful.  I was miserable, depressed, and cranky.  All I wanted to do was eat junk food and play video games, and I did a lot of both.  I was drinking a liter of Coke a day.  Ugh.  Weight bearing exercise was out of the question, as your intercostal muscles support your skeleton and any movement (upper or lower body) caused stress on the detached muscle.

The good news is that I passed my exam!!!!  That was a huge relief.  Next, I'll be studying for a nutritionist certification.  I want to be as well-rounded as possible, and that includes being able to provide clients with an understanding of how important nutrition is as a part of their fitness routine.  Alas, I digress.
 
Four months and six extra pounds later, I had lost most of the strength I had gained.  So, at the end of February, I purchased a recumbent stationary bike for clients (and myself) to use for cardio.  Once it arrived, I was able to work myself back into some sort of routine, even if it was only 30 minutes a day on the bike.  

After I had been on a somewhat regular cardio schedule for a couple of weeks, I decided to start adding strength training back into the routine to see how the ribs handled it.  It started with a single circuit consisting of one exercise for each body part at about one third of the weight I was used to.  The first time was like my first strength training session all over again.  I was huffing and puffing and so sore for days afterward.  

That was...annoying.  All of my progress - gone!  So frustrating.  To top off the annoyance, I have a brand new aerial rig that I can't even use yet, because I'm so flipping weak, and my intercostal muscle isn't quite ready to let me stay in the air for very long.  I can't even do a pull-up.

I have to say, though, that the recumbent bike is my new best friend.  I still have cellulite on my bum, but that pesky under-the-butt area is toning up quite well, and when I flex my glutes, the layer of fat is much smaller than it was after my four month exercise hiatus.  AND NO SADDLE BAGS!  So, at least there's that slight victory.

The six pounds is hanging on for dear life, but at least I'm seeing visible proof that things are improving.  There will be gradual progress, as is to be expected from any sensible fitness plan, but I'm confident my goals will be met, and I might be ready to start aerial again in the fall.





 

Long time no post...

So...I haven't posted in a while, but that doesn't mean I have been slacking off!  I've actually been keeping with my workouts and staying motivated.

Since I've started this process, I've lost 2" in my bum, thighs and hips.  I've got some stubborn belly fat that doesn't seem to want to get with the program.  Granted, I'm not being as diligent about what I eat as I was, so I'm sure that's part of the problem.

Surprisingly, the cellulite in my thighs and butt is getting the hint and slowly vacating the premises.  Woot!  All in all, I'm pleased with the progress I'm making.  My arms look great, and I don't hate my legs.  I've got some impressive little biceps and quads forming!

I'm still lifting, and loving it.  I'm up to 27.5lbs on my barbell, and I'm planning to increase another 5lbs next week.  Since I've incorporated the barbell and started doing deadlifts, My hamstrings have become more flexible.  There is a lengthening of all the muscles in my legs, and I'm finding them more aesthetically pleasing.  They're by no means perfect, but I don't hate them.

We haven't had aerial class since the end of June, so my upper body strength is decreasing.  I'm going to try to increase the number of pull-ups I'm doing in an effort to keep my strength up.  For when class starts in September.    

Challenging myself...

Fitocracy has motivated me to try exercises I've never done before.  I like it because it gives me variety in my workouts.  There are also groups that do monthly challenges, like the 30 Day Squat Challenge group.  

I know it says April, but I started at the beginning of June and plan to follow it through.  I usually do a few sets of body weight squats and move on to barbell squats.  I just upped my weight on the barbell squats and thought I would be feeling it today, but I have no delayed onset muscle soreness at all.  So weird.  

I'm also doing the 30 Day Abs Challenge.  I've altered the time for the planks, because the 10 seconds was way too easy for me.  I had no idea sit-ups could be this challenging, however.  Getting through 40 in one set is a chore, but I managed it yesterday.  I have a few days to catch up on, because I strained a muscle in my hand and wrist during Midsummer rehearsals and took two days off training all together, so I didn't injure myself further.

Then, there is the 30 Day Glute Challenge.  Obviously, this one is good for building a better booty.  I've seen so many women saying it's building their glutes, but my bum is actually decreasing in size!   This wasn't exactly the result I was looking for.  I simply wanted to tone the fabulous booty I already have.  I know the exercises are doing what they're supposed to do and turning fat to muscle, and once that part of the process is complete, the glute muscles will continue to develop, and my butt will...bounce back...HA!

One thing I've noticed since I've begun participating in these monthly challenges is that I'm losing weight instead of gaining.  I assumed that once I started lifting, I would be gaining rather than losing.  I'm not going to complain, though, because it's pushing me over the plateau I was on.  I was having trouble losing the last 9lbs of my weight gain, but now I'm down to only an extra 6!  And those 3lbs have come off in just the last week.

I'm not exactly sure where I'm losing this weight, other than losing 1" in my bum and legs. Even with that 1", there is a lot of dimpling and cellulite.  The boobs I was granted with my 30lb weight gain are still there.  My waist measurement is staying the same - my belly is trimmer, but it's still a bit fluffy.  So...I don't know where I'm losing the weight.  

But whatever!  I'm not going to look a gift horse in the mouth.  I look better than I have in the last five years, and I feel great.  I have lots of energy, and my blood pressure has calmed down.  I won't trade any of those things to go back to being the depressed, volatile, emotional mess I was.  I'm just going to keep doing what I'm doing and be the best me I can be.

Oops! Long time, no blog!

It occurred to me this morning that I have not posted in a while.  To be fair, I've been a busy little pixie.  

Festival is finally over, and I am almost recovered.  Almost.  However, I've been full-tilt going to rehearsals for Midsummer every night.  Then, there's aerial class.  AND after Midsummer ends this weekend, I am hoping to start taking more classes with Portico and eventually become a company member.  I really miss dancing, and the more I watch them, the more I want to fully be a part of what they do.    

I'm still struggling with losing the last 8lbs I have left.  However, the muscle tone I'm gaining from my workouts more than makes up for it!

I broke down and bought a barbell.  The barbell was 12.5lbs, and carrying it to the checkout station was a challenge, so I decided I would start with that and purchase weights as needed.  I increased my weight for the first time last week for a total of 17.5lbs.  I think I'll need to go up 5lbs more by Saturday!  

I'm really enjoying lifting.  I love deadlifts (Romanian and stiff legged) and the Pendaly Row.  It's challenging, and something I thought I would never be able to do.  But I can!  And I am stronger for it.  Bentover Barbell Row and I are having some issues, though.  You never really know how weak your back muscles truly are until you've done that move for the first time.  Oy.

Oh!  Oh!  Also, I'm up to 4 pull-ups in one set!  Um.  Yes!  I AM MIGHTY!!!!  AND I can do 5 full pushups in one set!  Crazy talk!  

I love the energy that working out on a regular basis has given me.  I'm not tired all the time,  AND I'm not a raging bitch 3/4 of the time.   I'm also loving the way I look in the mirror.  I still have some cellulite around the booty and thighs to get rid of, but I don't jiggle when I walk anymore.  

I'm still over the moon for Fitocracy.  I'm stunned by how supportive the community is.  And there are so many inspiring stories!  If you're a fitness enthusiast and you haven't checked it out, please do!  I'm LibasaurusRex, and I'll follow back :)